GETTING MARRIED!!1!1!1!!

Minggu, 9 September 2018

This is one of the best day in my life. I never thought I would’ve got married this soon. He always ask me will I marry him? And it always end up me joking all the time. I thought that I was not ready to face this married life, I still wanted to enjoy  my own life, my own money and my own job. I also ask myself “why should I marry soon? I still enjoy my life” but for some reasons, I decided to accept his proposal because I thought “how can I know I’m not ready when I don’t even try it? What if I’m ready but I’m just scared to move forward?” He believe in me then why can’t I believe in myself? Then it happened. We did it! We proved it that we can make our own happiness. I never feel regret to get married this soon. I always pray to God for giving us happinees, joyfulness, no more sadness and if Allah believe in us, please give us our little angle soon because it will complete our family😘

Father

For some people he is supposed to be their hero or someone they can be proud of, but mine? I’m so sick to hide this thought alone but I think he didn’t do anything right to his family. I never feel my dad is my hero. I envy when my friends can be proud of something their dad doing, their father do anything to make his family happy and do their job to earn money so he can pay their family bill.

Actually it’s so hard to write it down, I’m writing this while crying and wish my dad can do anything better. Since I was kid, my dad quitted his job just because he earned so little money and he said to my mom that my mom’s fee can pay our bill and he shouldn’t find any jobs to pay ours. Really? I can’t even think there would be that kinda person like this.

If you love your family you should do anything to make them happy and I think he’s so selfish to make my mom does her job at work and at home in the same time. He always complain if our house is dirty and when his family can’t serve his well. I’m so sick about this, really? Do you think you’re such a good father for us? What have u done?

I still appreciate him as my father but he doesn’t get my pride.

My house is being renoved and he’s still doing  nothing, he just ask for something that we even feel tired to do because YEAH OUR HOUSE SO DIRTY CAN YOU PLEASE UNDERSTAND THIS? He always call me and ask me to serve him while he just sit and lay down on bed. I always cry over this i don’t know why. I just wish my dad can do something like any dad else can do.

Can’t handle it alone

You might think that it’s too much but honestly, I feel fucked up right now. I already hide this feeling because I don’t want anyone knows about my dark feeling. Please if you think you know someone well, think it again. I already healed myself but you brought this up again. I feel worse, I feel I’m never be good enough to someone. I’m fat, I’m useless, I’m no worthy, you can find someone better than me easily. I’m crying alone thinking I’m lonely, useless and fat ass that don’t need anybody at 1 AM.

You might think that it’s just words but please for me, you don’t appreciate me. You can’t call me and ask me for something that hard to do then you judge me like you don’t have any flaw on you. Sorry, I can’t say these words to you because I still mind your feeling. At least, I want you to do so.

Am I too much to ask?

Am I too much to ask?

I just miss him and also the old him—i know it sounds cheesy but it’s true. I don’t know what makes him different but all I know he is.

Is it an effect of my longing feeling? Or is he actually being different? I don’t know. I only know I miss him much.

Future

Future is a fascinating word, right? You have hope whenever you heard that word, you have dream that you chase, you will imagine every good vision on it but mine? I don't know. I don't know if my future will be brighter as others' or even darker? No one knows.
I just feel like I'm stuck. I don't do something worthy and I feel useless. I know my effort maybe not harder than before but honestly I do my best as I could.

Split it out

I can't bare with it anymore, I need to split it out.

These thoughts made me freaked out, I think like I'm not good enough, I'm such a failure, no one's gonna like me. It hits me every time like literally every time. No one loves me and no one cares about me. They just call me or remember me when they need something from me. No one loves me purely. No one understands me.

Judge me as you want but I never bat an eye on it.

When I tell you all people about my thoughts, you will say like "just kill your time by doing something worth" or "just pray to God and you'll be better". OH REALLY? DID I NOT DO THIS BEFORE?

I do it every time!! I've been there before but I don't know what I feel about it.

I feel empty, lost, helpless, useless, jobless.

Thank you for this blog because it makes me feel better and it also won't say like "you should do something better".

Cheating

I've read some quotes (I know I'm kind of "someone-who-needs-some-quotes-to-take-her-motivation-back" person) that cheating doesn't always mean your gf/bf have in relationship with anyone else but if they hide something from their lover, they are already in cheating.

I know I had mistake in the past but.....really, I've already learned from it.

If you want to make a lesson for me or revenge your sad feeling in the past, just make it fast because I can't stand it alone. It hurts me everytime you say her name and by talking about her also make it worse. I know you probably think I'm exaggerating thing but honestly it's hard for me. If you think I'm not good enough, just talk to me and if she's better than me, let me know and I'll probably let you go as long as it makes you happy eventho it hurts me as well. I can't force you to stay if you're not happy with me.

Even to say those words above, making my tears run down easily because loving you is my true happiness.

I just want you to keep my feeling as well as I'm keeping yours.

please don't take me for granted.